"I Promise You What I Promised Moses..."

‘Wherever you set foot, you will be on land I have given you ... No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you. Be strong and courageous, for you are the one who will lead these people to possess all the land I swore to their ancestors I would give them. Be strong and very courageous.' I set foot on new land yesterday. New land of a new part of my life. A land that to some would be fruitless, dry and without hope and yet I do not see it like that. It is dry, but dry is not always bad (trust me... the skies opened yesterday and blessed us with 5 1/2 inches of rain over night! Eeeeek!). Fruitless and without hope? Nothing could be further from the truth. As I sit in the waiting room, I ponder what exactly I will be walking into. There was a lot of pondering to be had seeing as I managed to be the last to have an appointment and they were running even further behind than usual. In my purse sit the pieces to the puzzle of my health. Leave it to me to make everything complicated. Inconclusive seems to be the theme of my life lately. After entering the examination room I have to sit quite a bit longer and use that time to claim my land. My life is my land and whatever comes and goes out of my land is mine. The good, the bad and the ugly. Mine. And I have a feeling this was going to be the ugly. The doctor enters the room and immediately my brain pops up on the computer screen. Something funny about when you look at your brain. My first reaction is, "Oh good. It's there.". No lie. My second reaction is, "Wow that sucker is ugly!". And then I force myself to tune into what the neurologist is telling me. He's pointing at these white spots on my brain. That isn't good. He's telling me things that I had heard before but was hoping he wouldn't be repeating. 100% there is some sort of autoimmune disorder. 99% sure it's MS. More brain scans, more blood work... I'm zoning at this point. I knew this was coming and I know the next steps. I like him. He is kind and carries an old fashioned doctors bag with all of his "tools". It reminds me of something my dad would do. I realize he has stopped and asked me a question. I've been zoned and have no idea what it was, so I ask him to repeat it. "Are you okay? I mean, you have put on such a brave face this entire time. But now I need to know if you're okay.". I had to think for a second. Am I okay? I search my soul. Deep down in every little tunnel where some sort of panic could come out of hiding and cause a melt-down. Nope. Nothing. I'm a little sad that he isn't contradicting what all the other doctors had told me, but I really felt okay. "Yes. I'm okay.". This morning I strap on my running shoes. Happy to be using my legs. Happy to have legs. My legs are part of my land. So is my brain. So is everything that is a part of me. My house, my friends, my city, my family. It is a beautiful run and I notice the calm after the literal storm. I notice life. So, I quick grab my camera and take pictures of life. Nothing new or earth shattering as far as photography goes, but they're just so pretty to me this morning. I didn't edit them. Just let them be. After all, God's creation needs no help from me to make it beautiful. Out of all of this, this is what I now know: I am strong. I am very courageous and the Lord my God is with me on my land.

If Only I Was a Cool Kid...

I remember the smell like it was yesterday. The smell of crayons, scissors, glue. The smell of new school supplies. The smell of school. To me it was the worst smell in the world and it still to this day, makes my stomach instantaneously turn. I hated school and not because I wasn't the best math student in the world. I was born wanting to fit in. Be normal. Be social. But instead I was born insecure, short, shy and went through the "uglys" with the worst of them. Don't believe me? Well, believe me. I'm not one for lying. This brings me to the lack of blogging I have done. My last blog was referred to as "cryptic" by a good friend and for good reason. I was pondering life, as I often do, and wasn't sure how to express the big life changes that are inevitable. Not bad changes, but for the most part I'm a pretty predictable person. So, finding out that we're moving across the state by summer and having my 30th birthday breathing down my back left me to ponder my life a bit. And with my life comes my photography. I can't help it... although it doesn't define me, it is part of my definition and how I present my website and my branding screams who I am. My intention was to not blog until the new website was up. Start from scratch. Delete all my posts and redirect you to my new shiny website. Oh the website. What website? Just the website that this dear patient friend/web designer has miraculously not murdered me over yet. It sits unfinished because every time I try to complete it, I am transferred back to grade school and all of the insecurities that go with it. Is it cool? Is it going to make people like me more or hate me? These questions keep me up all night... But then, I went to Chicago a few weeks back. I went to see Jasmine Star.

I thought I was going to be going to a photography conference about how to build a better business, better workflow and if I was lucky, some tips on branding. Was I ever wrong!

Instead, we were all bonded over the topic of struggle. Yes, we struggle. Every artist struggles and on a weekly basis (if not daily basis) we ask ourselves if this is worth it. There is literal blood, sweat and tears (oh so many tears!) that go into this industry. This got me thinking. Thinking that no matter what people think of my website, it is me. And then, in one of those moments that you hear something that couldn't possibly come from your simple mind, this came to me... "Your clients are a gift from God and if they're meant to be your clients, then God will get them to you regardless of how your website looks.". Wow. Thanks God!